My son has started coming to the window of his classroom to wave goodbye to me as I drive past. There is a set of small wooden stairs that a teacher will put under the window and then they open it for him. I pull to the side of the entrance road and open the passenger window so I can wave and call out to him. It's super sweet, but it's almost twice as hard to leave him now because I have to tear myself away from him twice: once in the classroom and again as I drive away from the window. This morning the teachers were busy so there were no stairs to climb and no open window for me to call "I love you!" through. There was only his little head bouncing up over the window sill as he jumped up and down trying to see me and his little hand waving goodbye.
I hate leaving him. I hate that I have to leave him to go to a job I don't care about. I work because I have to in order to keep a roof over our heads and food on our plates. Maybe it would be easier to leave him if I was going to do something worthwhile or interesting, but my position is almost entirely unnecessary. I spend all day waiting to see him, then our evening goes by in a flash, and suddenly it's bedtime. I never want it to be bedtime because it means our time together is over for another day. I can't wait for him to wake up in the morning so I can hug him and kiss him and hear him laugh for a few minutes before we rush off to school and work. There is never enough time together.
One night when I was tucking him in and he wasn't feeling well I told him "I am always, always right here if you need me." It has become one of the things we repeat to each other before saying goodnight most nights. This morning he said it over and over in the car on the way to school. Always, little buddy. Always.
Showing posts with label Momming. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Momming. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 26, 2017
Friday, June 16, 2017
Father's Day
People talk about how hard Father's Day is for those whose fathers have passed away or for those that grew up without a dad in their lives, but you don't see a lot from the single mom's perspective. I fully expected to have a lifetime of holidays and vacations, trips to the grocery store and movie nights, with my husband and child. We talked about having kids for a long time, then we spent 10 months trying to get pregnant, and 9 months being pregnant. That's a long time to anticipate what life will be like after the baby is born.
But then everything changes. Your husband walks out on you, moves in with another woman. Now your son will spend Father's Day with the family of three you envisioned, only you aren't a part of it. And everyone is happy, except you. Not because you want anything to do with the man who left you, but because you're missing out on yet another celebration you expected to be part of. And worst of all, you're missing out on time with your son.
So screw you, Father's Day. Screw you.
But then everything changes. Your husband walks out on you, moves in with another woman. Now your son will spend Father's Day with the family of three you envisioned, only you aren't a part of it. And everyone is happy, except you. Not because you want anything to do with the man who left you, but because you're missing out on yet another celebration you expected to be part of. And worst of all, you're missing out on time with your son.
So screw you, Father's Day. Screw you.
Thursday, June 01, 2017
Playground Bullies
On one of our many trips to the playground this past weekend, my son had his first exposure to bullying. It unfortunately involved the same non-English speaking family that had previously shared a cookie with him, which left me confused about how best to handle the situation. My guess is that the kids actually speak English, even if their grandma does not.
Our playground is quite small, having only one straight slide and one twisty slide with a tunnel between them. My son has only recently started going down the twisty slide and he's obsessed. He's played with other kids of all ages without any problems, one climbs the stairs, one slides, and repeat. But this time the two kids (age 3ish and 5ish) would not share the slide with him AT ALL. Both of them stood in the little "house" at the top, then one would slide down and immediately climb back up the slide, thus never clearing the house nor slide and never allowing my son the chance to play. They were being very clear and very intentional about their behavior.
When we first got there I tried to reassure him that all the kids could share and take turns, but it soon became clear they had no intention of doing so and that their grandma had no intention of making them. So my son was left crying on the platform below, saying "His turn" (by which he means his turn and IT WAS) and "need to share" over and over in his sad little two year old voice.
My heart broke in a million pieces. I wanted to throttle those kids. And their grandma. And throw the Oreo they gave my son last time right back in their little bully faces.
What was I supposed to do? Scold them myself? I genuinely don't know. I'm still quite new to the whole playground dynamic, and so I bowed out. Maybe that was the wrong approach because what happens the next time we go and they're there again? Now they know they can get away with their bad behavior. Maybe I will work up the nerve to stand up to them next time. Someone has to.
But my heart was so shattered all I could do was distract my son with the suggestion of throwing rocks in a storm drain up the street. And he still wanted to say bye-bye to the wretches as we climbed up the hill towards the road. We camped out at the storm drain way longer than normal until I saw the bullies leave. And back we went to the twisty slide, so my son could have HIS TURN.
Monday, May 22, 2017
The Oreo
We're at the playground, and as usual, we're the only two people there. Sometimes I prefer it this way, so I don't have to participate in awkward interactions with other parents or resent the teenagers who aren't modeling good playground behavior. But sometimes it's nice for my son to have other kids around, especially if they're close to his age. I don't worry about this too much as he attends daycare and spends most of his time with a roomful of other toddlers.
We've been here long enough that he's already done a lot of sliding and swinging and we're now playing with an abandoned basketball when two slightly older kids arrive with their grandma (I think, but I'm horrible at guessing ages, even as an older mom myself). He can't resist the draw of other kids, so he eventually wants to head back up to the playground where he can watch them fly down the big curly slide and run up and down the stairs. He carefully enters their orbit and repeats an occasional word or two. They don't speak English and are amused at his attempts to mimic them, but not in a cruel way.
After a while the younger boy climbs up on the bench and tries to open and insert a straw into a milk box, with limited success. While he's intent on this operation, my son climbs up onto the bench next to him, so I give him his water. The grandma comes over to help with the milk box, followed by the older sister, at which point the kids dig into a ziplock bag of Oreos. There is a brief exchange between the girl and her grandma before the girl offers my son a cookie. He is thrilled and happily sets aside his container of Cheerios. He holds the cookie up and says, "Cookie! Yummy" over and over. He watches the other kids eat and drink while clutching his cookie. I am simultaneously horrified that he's eating food from random strangers in the park and that it's a double-stuff Oreo, of all things. At least it's a blonde one and not the original chocolate version.
He doesn't seem to know what to do with the cookie though, so I eventually break off one of the cookie sides and give that to him in smaller pieces. He scarfs those down, but doesn't seem overly motivated to eat the other half and I'm not about to encourage him to eat the cream center (the best part!). He continues to clutch the second cookie with the cream center still attached until we're home and his lunch is on the table in front of him. He even manages to keep a hold of it throughout hand-washing. I finally convince him he can set the cookie down on his place mat so he can eat his yogurt. Fortunately, he never bothers to pick it back up and I can toss it in the sink with the other uneaten detritus from his lunch.
***
I know this story will be of little interest to anyone but me, but I like the idea of capturing these little moments so they don't get lost in the shuffle of growing up. Seeing him climbing up to sit with the other little boy, completely unconcerned about the differences in language and culture. Just three little kids hanging out at the playground, eating Oreos. Pure, simple joy.
We've been here long enough that he's already done a lot of sliding and swinging and we're now playing with an abandoned basketball when two slightly older kids arrive with their grandma (I think, but I'm horrible at guessing ages, even as an older mom myself). He can't resist the draw of other kids, so he eventually wants to head back up to the playground where he can watch them fly down the big curly slide and run up and down the stairs. He carefully enters their orbit and repeats an occasional word or two. They don't speak English and are amused at his attempts to mimic them, but not in a cruel way.
After a while the younger boy climbs up on the bench and tries to open and insert a straw into a milk box, with limited success. While he's intent on this operation, my son climbs up onto the bench next to him, so I give him his water. The grandma comes over to help with the milk box, followed by the older sister, at which point the kids dig into a ziplock bag of Oreos. There is a brief exchange between the girl and her grandma before the girl offers my son a cookie. He is thrilled and happily sets aside his container of Cheerios. He holds the cookie up and says, "Cookie! Yummy" over and over. He watches the other kids eat and drink while clutching his cookie. I am simultaneously horrified that he's eating food from random strangers in the park and that it's a double-stuff Oreo, of all things. At least it's a blonde one and not the original chocolate version.
He doesn't seem to know what to do with the cookie though, so I eventually break off one of the cookie sides and give that to him in smaller pieces. He scarfs those down, but doesn't seem overly motivated to eat the other half and I'm not about to encourage him to eat the cream center (the best part!). He continues to clutch the second cookie with the cream center still attached until we're home and his lunch is on the table in front of him. He even manages to keep a hold of it throughout hand-washing. I finally convince him he can set the cookie down on his place mat so he can eat his yogurt. Fortunately, he never bothers to pick it back up and I can toss it in the sink with the other uneaten detritus from his lunch.
***
I know this story will be of little interest to anyone but me, but I like the idea of capturing these little moments so they don't get lost in the shuffle of growing up. Seeing him climbing up to sit with the other little boy, completely unconcerned about the differences in language and culture. Just three little kids hanging out at the playground, eating Oreos. Pure, simple joy.
Wednesday, March 08, 2017
Currently
Drinking: Water or tea. Nothing new there.
Watching: I only watch TV on the weekend while my son sleeps. I usually am able to keep up with most of my regular shows: General Hospital and Chicago Fire, PD, and Med. The other lower priority shows tend to accumulate until I have extra time off: Blacklist and Modern Family.
Reading: A book that I will be reviewing in a few weeks. And to be completely honest, if I had not agreed to review the book I would have abandoned it days ago. Bet you can't wait to read the review now after that teaser! Ha.
Listening: I don't listen to much music. At home I sometimes will put the classic rock station on the TV. In the car I listen primarily to a station with "Sunny" in its name. I used to think of this channel as easy-listening. So in other words, I AM OLD.
Playing: Choo-choos. My son is mildly obsessed with his train set. I also occasionally find time for a game or two of Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook.
Saying: "Did you go poo-poo?" "Where are you?" "Not a toy." "OK, go ahead."
Laughing at: My son. He's such a goofball sometimes, as is common with almost-2 year olds.
Loving: The milder temps and more daylight. I am so ready for spring!
Hating: Not being able to spend more time with my son. I want to squish him up against me every second of the day. He would not be on board with this plan, even if it was possible.
What are you up to these days?
Watching: I only watch TV on the weekend while my son sleeps. I usually am able to keep up with most of my regular shows: General Hospital and Chicago Fire, PD, and Med. The other lower priority shows tend to accumulate until I have extra time off: Blacklist and Modern Family.
Reading: A book that I will be reviewing in a few weeks. And to be completely honest, if I had not agreed to review the book I would have abandoned it days ago. Bet you can't wait to read the review now after that teaser! Ha.
Listening: I don't listen to much music. At home I sometimes will put the classic rock station on the TV. In the car I listen primarily to a station with "Sunny" in its name. I used to think of this channel as easy-listening. So in other words, I AM OLD.
Playing: Choo-choos. My son is mildly obsessed with his train set. I also occasionally find time for a game or two of Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook.
Saying: "Did you go poo-poo?" "Where are you?" "Not a toy." "OK, go ahead."
Laughing at: My son. He's such a goofball sometimes, as is common with almost-2 year olds.
Loving: The milder temps and more daylight. I am so ready for spring!
Hating: Not being able to spend more time with my son. I want to squish him up against me every second of the day. He would not be on board with this plan, even if it was possible.
What are you up to these days?
Tuesday, February 14, 2017
Valentine's Day is Stupid
Let me tell you, that donut was just an excuse to eat four pounds of frosting. And I enjoyed every morsel. These goodies were courtesy of two fine ladies I work for.
I was managing to maintain a suitable level of indifference about this stupid "holiday" until daycare got on my very last nerve. Yesterday at 1:56 PM they sent a note with the names of the 12 kids in my son's class so we could bring Valentine's for the exchange today. This was the first mention of any such activity and no more detail was provided. So obviously, my poor child showed up empty handed today because I can ONLY shop on the weekends. There is ABSOLUTELY no way around this fact. So I appear to have failed my child when in fact it is daycare that dropped the ball. Thanks for making me look (and feel) like a bad parent, assholes.
And a very Happy Valentine's Day to you!
Monday, December 05, 2016
Weekends
Weekends are for unwinding and spending time with my son.
We had a pretty busy weekend. Saturday morning we got our Christmas tree, a balsam fir which smells divine. I picked one of the smaller trees on the lot, but of course it seems quite large in my living room. I'm decorating in stages to see how my toddler reacts. I put the lights and garlands on Saturday night and hung a few ornaments while he napped on Sunday.
On Saturday afternoon we went to the thrift store to buy a dining room chair. Yes, just one. And yes, I already have dining room chairs. However, they are very lightweight and flimsy and I did not feel at all comfortable with my son sitting in them. I knew that one slight push off the table and he would topple over backwards. I had recalled seeing some sturdy looking chairs on a recent (unsuccessful) trip to the thrift store to look for clothes for him, so we went back and fortunately they still had the chairs. I picked the sturdiest of the bunch. I might've bought two for a matching set but decided it was $10 I could spend elsewhere, so he gets a special captain's chair and I'll stick with the old flimsy one.
On Sunday we did our usual grocery shopping and outside playtime (walking around the block). We met my father for dinner at Chipotle, where they were out of sour cream, mild salsa, and medium salsa. How does that even happen? Won't be going back there for a while...
I forgot to record The Holiday (one the movies on my list) on Saturday night, so I'm bummed. It's not listed again and I didn't see it last season either. I'm going to have to do some further research to see if I can find it.
Joining Karen at Pumpkin Sunrise.
We had a pretty busy weekend. Saturday morning we got our Christmas tree, a balsam fir which smells divine. I picked one of the smaller trees on the lot, but of course it seems quite large in my living room. I'm decorating in stages to see how my toddler reacts. I put the lights and garlands on Saturday night and hung a few ornaments while he napped on Sunday.
On Saturday afternoon we went to the thrift store to buy a dining room chair. Yes, just one. And yes, I already have dining room chairs. However, they are very lightweight and flimsy and I did not feel at all comfortable with my son sitting in them. I knew that one slight push off the table and he would topple over backwards. I had recalled seeing some sturdy looking chairs on a recent (unsuccessful) trip to the thrift store to look for clothes for him, so we went back and fortunately they still had the chairs. I picked the sturdiest of the bunch. I might've bought two for a matching set but decided it was $10 I could spend elsewhere, so he gets a special captain's chair and I'll stick with the old flimsy one.
On Sunday we did our usual grocery shopping and outside playtime (walking around the block). We met my father for dinner at Chipotle, where they were out of sour cream, mild salsa, and medium salsa. How does that even happen? Won't be going back there for a while...
I forgot to record The Holiday (one the movies on my list) on Saturday night, so I'm bummed. It's not listed again and I didn't see it last season either. I'm going to have to do some further research to see if I can find it.
Joining Karen at Pumpkin Sunrise.
Thursday, November 17, 2016
Use Your Words
Mommy
Daddy
Elmo
Yes
No
Hi
Hello
Bye-bye
A-boo
Baby
Ball
Bus
Box
Bag
Boot(s)
Belly
Bite
Bubble
Apple
Banana
Berry
Pasta
Yogurt
Milk
Puff
Thank you
Please
More
Red
Blue
Purple
Yellow
Moo
Neigh
Baa
Woof
Whoo-whoo
Owl
Poo-poo
Pee-pee
Potty
Knee
Mouth
Jeopardy
I'm sure I've forgotten some, but this is at least a good portion of my 19.5 month old son's vocabulary.
Daddy
Elmo
Yes
No
Hi
Hello
Bye-bye
A-boo
Baby
Ball
Bus
Box
Bag
Boot(s)
Belly
Bite
Bubble
Apple
Banana
Berry
Pasta
Yogurt
Milk
Puff
Thank you
Please
More
Red
Blue
Purple
Yellow
Moo
Neigh
Baa
Woof
Whoo-whoo
Owl
Poo-poo
Pee-pee
Potty
Knee
Mouth
Jeopardy
I'm sure I've forgotten some, but this is at least a good portion of my 19.5 month old son's vocabulary.
Monday, October 31, 2016
Happy Halloween!
My little guy is still too young to really get the whole Halloween thing, and since I'm not really a fan of the holiday I don't see any reason to go crazy with Halloween inspired activities, etc. They are doing a parade and party at his daycare, so we'll see how that goes. He may or may not wear his costume, a hand-me-down Elmo from an older cousin.
My family always made a big deal out of every holiday when we were kids, so I would like to make them special for him when he's old enough to notice/care. I bought him some little Halloween stuffed guys at the grocery store ($5 a piece spread out over 4 weeks felt like a reasonable expense for holiday fun). He completely ignored the first two (jack o' lantern and skeleton), but when we got home with Frankenstein he gave him some kisses. So even though he's not super interested in them yet, he might be next year!
My family always made a big deal out of every holiday when we were kids, so I would like to make them special for him when he's old enough to notice/care. I bought him some little Halloween stuffed guys at the grocery store ($5 a piece spread out over 4 weeks felt like a reasonable expense for holiday fun). He completely ignored the first two (jack o' lantern and skeleton), but when we got home with Frankenstein he gave him some kisses. So even though he's not super interested in them yet, he might be next year!
Friday, October 21, 2016
Being Present
I'm struggling with how little time I have to spend with my son. And knowing that this precious little time will continue to decrease as he spends more time with his father and less time at home with me.
During the week the little time we have together is broken into two chunks: before work and after work. During both of those times I'm distracted and not solely focused on the time with my son. I am fully aware of the distraction and am constantly trying to bring my focus back to him, but it's so hard.
I'm the kind of person that calculates how much sleep I will get if I go to bed at that exact moment each night. I've always been this way. In college I would set aside whatever notes I was studying, knowing my brain needed sleep or it wouldn't matter how much I crammed for the test.
So every morning while I read to my son my brain is calculating how much longer I can get away with reading to him before I have to wrestle him into a clean diaper and clothes. Then we go downstairs so I can make tea and an English muffin, after which we play or read for another couple minutes while I watch the clock to make sure I get us upstairs so I can dress and brush, all the while trying to figure out what I'm going to wear (if I need to take out the trash, stop for gas on the way to work, remember diapers or wipes for daycare, etc.).
After work it's the same sort of thing: when do I have to throw something in the microwave, when do I have to wrangle him into his highchair, when do I have to drag him upstairs to brush his teeth, etc. There is no time to JUST BE.
I'm so afraid when I look back on these years it will all be a blur. That in not being present in the little moments I won't be able to remember what his soft baby-toddler body feels like when I manage to steal a hug or the smell of his hair as I'm reading him his bedtime books. It's all going by so fast. I need to figure out a way to slow down and focus on him. Shut out the distractions. Be present. Every moment matters, and I feel like it is all just slipping away from me.
During the week the little time we have together is broken into two chunks: before work and after work. During both of those times I'm distracted and not solely focused on the time with my son. I am fully aware of the distraction and am constantly trying to bring my focus back to him, but it's so hard.
I'm the kind of person that calculates how much sleep I will get if I go to bed at that exact moment each night. I've always been this way. In college I would set aside whatever notes I was studying, knowing my brain needed sleep or it wouldn't matter how much I crammed for the test.
So every morning while I read to my son my brain is calculating how much longer I can get away with reading to him before I have to wrestle him into a clean diaper and clothes. Then we go downstairs so I can make tea and an English muffin, after which we play or read for another couple minutes while I watch the clock to make sure I get us upstairs so I can dress and brush, all the while trying to figure out what I'm going to wear (if I need to take out the trash, stop for gas on the way to work, remember diapers or wipes for daycare, etc.).
After work it's the same sort of thing: when do I have to throw something in the microwave, when do I have to wrangle him into his highchair, when do I have to drag him upstairs to brush his teeth, etc. There is no time to JUST BE.
I'm so afraid when I look back on these years it will all be a blur. That in not being present in the little moments I won't be able to remember what his soft baby-toddler body feels like when I manage to steal a hug or the smell of his hair as I'm reading him his bedtime books. It's all going by so fast. I need to figure out a way to slow down and focus on him. Shut out the distractions. Be present. Every moment matters, and I feel like it is all just slipping away from me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)