2017 Word of the Year

I started thinking of words in mid-December. Jotting them down. Crossing them out. I had a general feeling about the direction I wanted to go with my word of the year. But I had trouble actually identifying ONE word that encompassed what I was feeling.

But I have finally decided: OPEN.

I think the word itself is pretty clear, as is how it might relate to my life. Open to moving on. Open to new possibilities. New adventures. New experiences. New people.

I don't have anything specific in mind with regards to implementing my word of the year; I'll just try to be open to opportunities as they present themselves.

Just Write {7}: Birthday Musings

My birthday was on Monday and I'm still thinking about it.

One of the things rolling around in my head is the fact that out of the roughly 75 people that wished me happy birthday on Facebook or via text, only 5 of them were from college. And of those 5, none were my roommates or closest friends. I won't lie: this hurts. I know that birthday greetings on Facebook aren't always the most sincere or accurate gauges of friendship, but it still feels like a kick in the teeth. Yes, I've not done the best at keeping in touch and maintaining relationships. And yes, I wasn't the best version of me during college. I lacked self-confidence, using bitchiness and sarcasm as defense mechanisms. But I thought I was a loyal friend. I don't like feeling insignificant (who does?).

I am aware of my tendency to over-analyze everything. It's part of who I am and I would have no idea how to not do it.

Every year I find myself wallowing by the end of the day of my birth. I try really hard not to get too excited, not to build unrealistic expectations, but every year I feel disappointed. I guess I will never out-grow the desire to feel special for this one day. To feel it is MY day. I don't want big parties (and never, ever do I want surprise parties) but just a little fuss would be nice. This year I didn't even get a meal out at a restaurant of my choosing.

I really wanted to take the day by the horns and ensure my OWN happiness this year. But I'm not good at standing up and potentially inconveniencing other people. I'm very familiar with the path of least resistance. I also just wasn't sure how to go about it. I thought about baking myself a cake, but then I forgot to buy supplies when we grocery shopped. And I don't have the money to buy myself a birthday present, a little something only I know I want.

So now I have a year to try to think of ways to make MY day special to ME all by MYSELF. Since clearly, I can't figure out how to let go of my childish desire to be special, if only for one day...

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This is my 7th installment of Just Write, "an exercise in free writing your ordinary and extraordinary moments." You can link up with the latest Just Write post by Heather at The Extraordinary Ordinary here. You can read my first six installments by clicking on the Just Write tag.

Fears

I've been thinking a lot about fear landscapes lately. If you've read (or watched) Divergent you will understand the significance of this. If you have not, the main idea is that fear landscapes are made up of your worst fears broken into separate and specific scenarios.

Some of mine were easy to identify:

• Spiders. This could be extended to include ticks, so maybe arachnids would be a better label. My fear landscape would involve an unimaginable number of these creatures crawling all over me. 
• Confined spaces. I suffer from a bit of self-diagnosed claustrophobia. This has prevented me from going caving, but otherwise seems fairly irrelevant in my day-to-day life. However, it would not be irrelevant in a fear landscape.
• Rape. This probably doesn't require any explanation.

Others took further reflection:

• Mockery. This would take the form of everyone around me, especially my friends, whispering and talking and pointing and generally just making fun of and belittling me.
• Bridges collapsing. When I am driving and am forced to come to a stop on a bridge I like to calculate the point at which I might have a chance of survival if the bridge were to collapse. Although it's more of an idle curiosity than a fear, it might make for an interesting fear landscape.
• Being restrained. This is perhaps too closely related to confined spaces/claustrophobia, but I think its own fear landscape could be imagined much differently than tight spaces. I can't stand tight clothing, turtle necks are a big no-no, and pull-over hoodies can be a challenge if I get stuck while trying to get them on or off. I have been known to freak out just a little. 
• Complete and total darkness. I am not afraid of the dark. I don't need a nightlight. However, absolute darkness tends to overwhelm me. Keep in mind, complete and total darkness is not something most people encounter on a regular basis. There is almost always some sort of light pollution creeping in, even when people think they are in the dark. When I worked in a theater years ago, I would let the door close behind me and walk down the hall to the light panel without using my flashlight. It was kind of fun to feel the rising panic, while knowing exactly how far I had to go and how long it would take for the lights to turn on. It's possible that this is also somehow related to my dislike of tight spaces and being restrained.

And still others are less serious:

• Clowns. Seriously, what is the appeal? Scary, icky, and creepy.

I've probably over-looked some or am altogether unaware of ones that would crop up on their own. What would your fear landscapes look like?

#ifnothing

If I could do anything I wanted without worrying about anything at all (bills, responsibilities, etc.)...

I would travel. First I would go to Italy: to Rome and Tuscany and Sicily. I would take thousands of pictures and eat all the food and walk until my feet hurt and then just keep walking. I'd drink the wine and give my fledgling Italian language skills a whirl. I'd soak it all in and when I could finally tear myself away I'd go to Paris and Provence and Scotland and Ireland and Greece.

I would hike. First I would hike my beloved Adirondack High Peaks. Nothing in the world feels better than standing on a summit knowing my body carried me up there all by itself. And nothing makes me feel stronger than seeing my car in the parking lot after 15 miles and knowing I did it again. That even after my body tired from the exertion, my mental strength kept me going. Nothing makes me feel more alive than the narrow trails through green trees and thick moss, ice cold streams, and rocky scrambles. After joining the ranks of the ADK 46ers, I'd travel the US, visiting and hiking in the National Parks. Then I would come home to NY and hike my mountains all over again.

I would have babies and chickens and a big vegetable garden and read all the books. I would eat as much dessert as I wanted every day.

Thanks to Love Court for the inspiration for this post. What would you do if you could do anything, no strings attached? #ifnothing

2014 Word of the Year: BRAVE

I've been tossing around words for weeks now.Trying them on for size. Seeing if any felt right.

I really liked "wildness," the word Liz chose. But I knew that no matter how important wildness and nature are to me, it was not the word I was looking for. I'm still digging the wild heart necklace though.

I also felt drawn to "change," the word Bronwyn picked. I am certainly hoping for changes in 2014. But after some reflection, I decided that while change may be the desired outcome, in order for me to be able to make the changes occur I will need to be brave.

So my word for 2014 (better late than never) is BRAVE.

I need to have more self-confidence. I need to recognize and do what's right for me. Put myself out there. Take risks. Not worry so much about embarrassment or doing it wrong.

I've been brave before. In 1998 I threw some stuff in the back of my pick-up truck and moved to Florida. I only knew one person in the whole state and didn't have a job lined up.

I avoid things because I don't like confrontation or feeling uncomfortable, but sometimes it's worth pushing past the edges of your comfort zone. So hopefully as the year progresses I will be able to share all the ways I am being brave. And it starts today.

"Eff Yeah" List

Yesterday Nicole from Life Less Bullshit shared on her blog a 4-Step Life Purge (a free, no-BS guide to decluttering your life). Zoink! I love her straight-forward, no-nonsense, lots of cuss words style. This appeals to my desire for advice/suggestions without the flowery, touchy-feely, hippy-dippy crap. So of course I downloaded the guide immediately.

STEP 1 - MAKE YOUR “EFF YEAH” LIST

This is a list of everything you accomplished over the past 12 months, everything you’re proud of, and everything you need to remind yourself to feel good about when you’re all, “I’m not doing anything with my life oh my goddddd.” 

The worksheet provided with the guide is great, but some of my items can't be neatly slotted into a specific month, so my list will be like me (all over the place, haha).

"Eff Yeah" 2013

• got married!! (January)
• climbed 8 Adirondack High Peaks
• Macomb, South Dix, East Dix (June)
• Seymour (July)
• Marshall (August)
• Algonquin, Iroquois, Wright (September)
• returned to blogging after a ~2 year hiatus (July)
• participated in NaNoWriMo (November)
• focused on my health and fitness
• increased daily activity/exercise
• lost ~10 lbs

I wish the list was longer, but it feels good having my badassery so clearly defined. 

If you made an "Eff Yeah" list for 2013 what would it look like?