I love Christmastime. I love the music, the lights, the movies, and the holiday episodes on TV. I love the excitement and anticipation.
But I can't be bothered to partake. I haven't the energy to buy a tree, rearrange the furniture, and decorate it. I may drag the little artificial table top tree down from storage. All I have to do is plug that in since it came out of the box with lights and decorations. I may send cards to a few people (but only those that sent cards to us). I will listen to music and watch some movies (I hope). I will get excited for the holiday episodes of my favorite shows (tomorrow: Modern Family!).
I've bought gifts and I will wrap them and I will smile and say thank you and go through the motions, but just like last year and the year before I'm feeling detached. Blue, sad, maybe a little bit of the d-word I try to avoid using.
I don't know how to separate my discontent with my job from the rest of my life. I get so bogged down in the hatred and the rage and the despair that it over-shadows every other aspect of my life. Is this really all there is? Is this really what I'm on the earth to do? It's so pointless. Irrelevant.
I've been reading a bunch of websites and bought a book, hoping to find suggestions, answers. But so far, nothing but disappointment. All I'm finding is touchy-feely, hippy-dippy, kumbaya bullshit. I want practical hands-on, real life, do this and you will feel better about your life. Telling me life is too short to waste it on things you don't love is NOT helpful. Great, I would love to spend my life hiking and reading books. HOW? How exactly do I pay the bills? No one tells you HOW to live the life you want.
I want to enjoy Christmas to the fullest. But I just can't.
- - - -
- - - -
This is my fifth installment of Just Write, "an exercise in free writing your ordinary and extraordinary moments." You can read about this project at The Extraordinary Ordinary. You can read my first four installments by clicking on the Just Write tag.