Journaling and what it means to me

I prefer to write in full sized, wide ruled, spiral bound notebooks. The cheaper the better. My pen of choice is a Pilot Precise Rolling Ball with a Fine tip and blue ink. I will, of course, write in other notebooks with other pens if the situation presents itself.

I started journaling this way during the summer of 1998 and have been at it ever since. In a perfect world my goal would be a 3 page minimum every day. These days that is not realistic.

I don't write in my notebook as creative practice, although I have used it as a place to write first drafts of poems and stories. I have always used my notebooks as a dumping ground. A place to get what is in my head out. To vent.

I see my sister once or twice a month with children in tow, my father even less. The kids make conversation difficult at best. Aside from that, the only adult person I speak to on a regular basis (beyond the small talk, wow, it's cold outside types of conversations) is my boss and we have nothing in common. We are cordial, but we are not friends. That's it. That's the extent of my in person adult contact.

Even texts and emails are primarily limited to exchanging pictures and occasional brief commentary on activities.

Everything is just stuck in my head with no outlet. It finally occurred to me a few days ago to pick up the pen again. Even though I'd declared my intention to journal more in 2018, it was merely a casual wish to restart the regular practice. I hadn't made the connection until I put the pen to paper the other day that if I don't have anyone in my life to talk to, I should at least "talk" to myself.

Hand, Foot, and Mouth

When your 2.5 year old asks repeatedly to go for a hike, but you're too sick? Not the best feeling.

The Little Man developed hand, foot, and mouth disease for the second time recently which kept us inside and taking it easy last weekend. This past Wednesday afternoon the virus hit me like a Mack truck. First one of the worst fevers I've ever had, then the blisters covered my throat. When the fever abated, the blisters started popping out on my hands. And now they're on my feet too. So no hiking this past weekend. And not much of anything at all.

I'm wearing my Uggs to work today because they're the softest shoes I own. Business casual be damned.

I keep trying to think of ways to describe how the blisters feel. They don't itch. They hurt. Each one feels like there's a needle or thorn stuck in it. Like if your hand falls asleep and you grab something, only worse. Simple things like opening food packages or wringing out a washcloth are extremely unpleasant. Last night after my shower I could barely walk. I can only assume the hot water has a negative effect on the blisters. Fortunately, I was able to walk again this morning. But I will not be showering again any time soon.

Ibuprofen seems to help take the edge off.

Trying to hold my hand to show as many blisters as possible. Only partially successful.

Folding Bike

I have been slightly obsessed with the idea of a folding bike for quite some time now. I imagined that with such an apparatus I could store it in my trunk and deploy it for use between the parking lot and my office building (roughly one mile). I could avoid waiting for the unpredictable shuttle buses, as well as the sardine effect when the buses are full. Plus, it would allow for a little bit of exercise, something I don't get a lot of these days.

I recently saw a listing online and after a great deal of waffling I messaged the seller. Shortly thereafter my son and I drove to a pretty little village on a lake and I took possession of the bike.

Now I am not BIKE PEOPLE. I haven't ridden a bike in years. I doubt I've ever ridden a bike on a highly trafficked urban road. To say that I was nervous the first day is a major understatement. More like nauseous and shaking. I was terrified thinking about BUSES passing me and having to navigate a left turn. But now that I've been riding for a week, it turns out those things are not actually that scary.

SCARY is when person after person ambles out in front of me as if I have complete control over the machine I am on. I do NOT! I feel like I need a "Student Biker" sign. Riding on the road with cars is much less stressful than navigating crowds of oblivious people.

I also discovered a HILL that I was previously unaware of. Each morning my non-existent leg muscles scream as I crawl towards the top of the hill. Other bikers fly past me. I try to avoid eye contact with everyone. I wonder how long I have to ride before this bit gets easier.

Also, I guess I should probably invest in a bike helmet.

My odd little bike waiting to be stashed in a closet at work.

Nothing

We did nothing of note this past weekend. We played in the yard, in the sandbox, on the swing set, with the water in the kiddie pool. But we didn't go anywhere, didn't do anything special. This was semi-intentional on my part, after weeks of Saturday activities (hiking, the Fair, a harvest festival). And partly because the heat has returned and I refuse to do fall activities when it's 85 degrees outside.

We stayed plenty busy (because in my experience toddlers are not exactly sedentary creatures), but it still feels like a wasted weekend. Like because we did nothing special, it didn't even really happen. There are no picture-laden posts on Facebook, nothing to report here on the blog. I'm left with a mild sense of disappointment, as though I didn't take full advantage of the time off with my son.

I really only have one opportunity each week to do something with him. Saturday morning is our longest chunk of time to set forth on adventures. If we miss that window, the only thing we can really do is wait until next Saturday rolls around. I expect I will be more motivated this coming Saturday, although the weather forecast is calling for more 80s. I guess apple-picking will have to wait.

Shaving my Legs

The hair on my legs grows very, very fast. I have to shave my legs (knees and down) every single day in the summer. As such, I go through A LOT of shaving gel. The most recently purchased container developed an issue almost immediately. If I pushed with all my might I could get a tiny little stream of gel. It took ages to get enough and it hurt my thumb. But I was reluctant to throw it away (recycle it) and waste the money. Which of course got me thinking about how many of the damn containers I'm buying and putting out in the world to be recycled (I hope). There has to be a better way to do this. One that costs less and has a lower impact on the environment.

So I posted in an AP/Natural Living group asking for ideas. Because if you need a solution to any kind of problem these folks are on it. I made it clear I was not looking for a recipe because making my own shaving cream? NOPE, never gonna happen.

The majority of the responses were in favor of just using regular bar soap. I'm not enthusiastic about it, but I will try it. The response I expected was to use conditioner. I'd heard that one before and had done it in a pinch when I failed to purchase more shaving gel in time. I tried it again, and while it got the job done I don't think I'd want to use my regular conditioner. It would not be cost effective since I would go through it so quickly. Maybe if I bought a super cheap conditioner that I would never put in my hair.

One woman suggested something I never would've thought of: aloe vera gel, the kind you put on sunburns. Interesting. And it just so happens that I have half a bottle of it left under the sink by my husband when he moved out. It's quite a few years old and nothing I would ever use for its intended purpose. After all, I do everything in my power to avoid the cursed orb, so sunburn isn't something I have to deal with. So that's what I'm using right now. I didn't even have buy anything and I'm using up something that would've gone in the trash otherwise. Win-win.

A Break in the Rain

I feel like it has been raining every day for weeks and months. Apparently this is the second rainiest spring (the rainiest being 1976) we've ever had. My son has grown weary of his rain suit. I'm having trouble keeping good cheer. It's depressing.

But! This past Saturday we had sunshine and milder temps. We went to the big playground and threw rocks in the lake. I even got to sit down for 30 seconds. It was rather nice.

Meal Prep

I work with a young woman who is a BIG fan of meal prepping. She puts together lunches for the whole week on Sunday evening. She even has specially purchased plastic containers for the purpose. I've never been willing to sacrifice the amount of time needed to cook and assemble the meals during my son's naps. But I'm also getting so sick of eating crap: processed packaged foods. So the goal is more variety, healthier food (not healthy healthy necessarily but not frozen or freeze dried crap), and hopefully saving a little money.

With that in mind I started small, two marinated chicken breasts, one bundle of fresh asparagus, and white rice (from the cupboard). I broiled the chicken according to the package/internet directions, adding as much as 6-8 additional minutes to avoid any potential RAWNESS. This was the first time I'd ever cooked chicken, so I was a little stressed. Then I baked the asparagus with olive oil and salt, while cooking the white rice on the stovetop.

Now this all may sound very simple, but keep in mind I've never cooked anything more complicated than boiling water for pasta. I ate the first one for lunch today and it was yummy. Success!

Snow Days

Earlier this week we got hit by Winter Storm Stella. She dumped about two feet of snow on us over two days, during which time the institution I work for shut down. Snow days! Yay! Unfortunately I had a doozy of a head cold, so I wasn't able to enjoy my days off as much as I might have otherwise.

On the second day I did something I haven't done in possibly years. I rented a movie and spent the entire naptime on the couch under a blanket. The first movie I tried to rent was only available to buy (no thanks) and the second one is currently showing on a channel I have, so I set the DVR to record it for free instead of paying to rent it. That left me surfing the recent releases until I happened upon Inferno with Tom Hanks. I have read all of Dan Brown's books and seen all of the previous movies. I can say with confidence something I don't know if I've ever said before: the movie was better than the book. Shocking, I know. But wow, did the book just drag on and on with all that Dante business. Bo-ring!

my view from the couch

A Day in the Life

4:45-5:15* AM // Wake up to sounds from my son's bedroom indicating he is awake. Roll over, determined to get a few more minutes of sleep (or at least, rest). The likelihood of him going back to sleep is very slim.

5:25-5:35* AM // Give up and get up. Bathroom, then downstairs to turn on lights. Back upstairs to get my son out of bed. Nurse, read/play, dress.

6:15-6:30* AM // Head downstairs, Make tea, toast & eat an English muffin (shared with son, maybe 3/4 for me 1/4 for him).

6:45-7:00* AM // TV on to watch a few minutes of the local news and Today show.

7:10 AM // Upstairs to brush teeth, comb hair, and change into work clothes.

7:26 AM // Downstairs to put on coats, hats, shoes and load up.

7:34 AM // Pull out of garage and drive to daycare.

7:57 AM // Kiss son goodbye for the 87th time and drag myself through the classroom door. Linger excessively long while watching him on video monitor in hallway. Finally tear myself away and dash to car.

8:20-8:25* AM // Catch shuttle bus from parking lot to campus. Walk across campus, arriving a few minutes late, but still well before anyone else in the office. Arriving on time is not a source of stress in this office, thankfully.

9:00 AM // Make second cup of tea.

10:00 AM // Morning snack. Or sometimes second breakfast.

12:30 PM // Lunch hour. Read at desk. Nuke some sort of frozen/shelf stable prepared food that tastes like cardboard.

3:00 PM // Afternoon snack.

4:55 PM // Walk to shuttle bus.

5:35-5:45* PM // Arrive home, assuming no delays (like snow, construction, accidents, etc.). Ex delivers son in this same time frame, so big hugs for my little man.

5:50 PM // Dinner prep. Usually involves nuking frozen meals or reheating pasta cooked on the weekend.

6:00 PM // Dinner.

6:30 PM // Change poopy diaper, turn on heat in son's bedroom.

6:35 PM // Play, watch Elmo videos and/or Wheel of Fortune.

7:30 PM // Jeopardy!

7:40 PM // Upstairs to brush teeth and get ready for bed (jammies, books, nursing).

8:05-8:15* PM // Son in bed.

8:15-8:20* PM // Get in shower.

8:45 PM // Insert electric blanket into bed and turn on. Ninja into son's room to check temperature.

8:50 PM // Laundry, dishes, lunch prep, pick up toys, etc.

9:05-9:25* PM // Sit down on couch, play bejeweled blitz on laptop.

9:30-9:40* PM // Head upstairs to get ready for bed. Ninja into son's room to check temperature one last time.

9:40-9:50* PM // Climb into bed, vowing to get to bed earlier tomorrow. Fall asleep 30 seconds later.

*Range of time during which said activity may take place.

Friday Fun - Gifts

I work with (for) some very lovely generous people, one of whom brought me these adorable handmade chocolates today. I will not admit to how many I've already consumed, but I did discover that if I pull their ears off first they are even tastier. (The ears are peanuts - yuck.) It does make me feel a tiny bit mean though.

Over the last few weeks the same individual has also gifted me a Jacquie Lawson advent calendar and a blooming paperwhite. She clearly has very well-honed gift giving skills.

Random Bullets

• I may have a stomach bug. I'll spare you the details, but I'm pretty displeased about the whole situation. As you can imagine.
• I just reconstructed my reading list for 2016 because for the first time in at least eight years I failed to keep my spreadsheet updated. Thankfully I did add all (most?) of the books to Goodreads. For the sake of the list that I will post on December 31, we will assume it's complete. I shall warn you now, it's disappointingly short.
• I fried an egg using the one frying pan I kept in the kitchen after the great non-stick purge, and it did not go well. I was close to deciding on the spot that I don't care about the evil non-stick coating. Is there some trick to not having your food stick with uncoated pans? HELP!
• I forgot (again) to record one of my Christmas movies on Saturday night, It's a Wonderful Life. At this point, I've pretty much thrown in the towel. Obviously, I can't remember to set the DVR.

OK, that's all I got. Because I feel like I'm gonna BARF.

Pots & Pans

I took a few minutes to sort the pots and pans this weekend. I pulled all of the nonstick ones out of the cupboard to determine my next move.


The really scary awful one at the top went directly into the trash. (Oh my god, did my husband cook food I ate in that? Best not to think about it.) The others got stacked neatly in the basement. Since I didn't purchase them I don't feel right disposing of them. But I also don't feel like offering them to my husband to take. When he first left (and many times since) I suggested he take his stuff. I figured anything he came into our marriage with he had every right to take with him when he left. He insisted all he wanted were his clothes and laptop (and tools and wine-making paraphernalia). I can only assume he went out and spent thousands of dollars equipping his new house with everything needed to provide for himself and his new family. As such, I don't want him getting grumpy about how he could have saved money on pots and pans. I also don't want to listen to his snarky comments on my alarmist behavior since he doesn't share my concerns for our personal health or the health of our environment.

I am left with a plenitude of Revereware sauce pans and one large Calphalon frying pan. While these may not be the best options available, they are certainly better than what I was using (see above). Bonus: two of the shelves are much more sparsely occupied which appeals to my minimalist side.

Things that I would like to address

I have a tendency to get fixated on topics. Right now I'm obsessing on two separate but somewhat similar areas, neither of which can be addressed while at work. Nor can I really do anything about them in the 4 minutes of free time I have after I put my son to bed and finish my chores.

1. Reducing my clothes. I own an alarming amount of clothes. Truly ALARMING. Many of which I don't wear. Ever. A lot of them have sentimental value, or is it associated guilt (as in so-and-so bought that for me). Many of them are 'what if' articles. When I think of getting rid of them a what if scenario comes to mind and I end up keeping them just in case. Almost daily I wear something I hate, something that is unflattering or uncomfortable. The rule of thumb is to only keep clothes that you LOVE. If I followed this rule I would own maybe two things. Even the clothes I like irritate me on any given day. But I have to figure something out because it's stupid to keep wearing clothes that annoy me all day, every day.

2. The safety of my cookware. I don't do very much cooking. But when I do cook (or, you know, boil water for pasta) I'm using some pretty crappy stuff. Most everything in the kitchen is cheap non-stick stuff that my husband bought. I recently switched back to using a non non-stick pot to boil the pasta, but I think it's probably aluminum, which isn't good for you either. At one point I owned a small glass sauce pan, but I have no idea if it still exists (and if it does it's likely hidden somewhere in the basement). Otherwise my pots and pans all fall in the not healthy category and it kinda freaks me out.

(For more info: listen to this 4 minute long interview.)

My DVR is Gonna be Busy

I love, LOVE, love Christmas movies and shows. In years past I would watch not just the classics but the horrible, cheesy made-for-TV movies that run 24 hours a day. I would go out of my way to ensure I was planted in front of the TV for the biggies like It's a Wonderful Life and A Christmas Carol. But now with so little me time, most of which does not happen to fall during prime time, I've made a list of my favorites to record.



Oddly enough, another favorite, Miracle on 34th Street (the original) was not on the list I used. That must be an oversight, for surely it will be aired at some point. The Santa Clause is another movie I enjoy, but it doesn't quite make the DVR list.

I've already been watching a holiday Elmo video on Youtube with my son and expect we will continue that right through Christmas.

Saturday Vibes

Rain is falling. Snow is melting.

Throwback Thanksgivings

It's nearly impossible to not think about Thanksgivings past. All the dinners at my aunt's house growing up. The first Thanksgiving in Florida when I was invited to dine with a co-worker and had cornbread stuffing for the first time during a meal served on an outdoor patio. Another Florida Thanksgiving of Chinese food with my then boyfriend. Then years of dining with my former fiance's family. Cold turkey sandwiches purchased in saran wrap from a grocery store in Northern California. Then more dinners with my husband's family.

Thanksgiving has never been a favorite of mine. The forced family meals feel more like a burden than anything else. I don't like small talk. I'd really prefer not to participate at all. If it had been up to me I would have bought a pre-plated Thanksgiving dinner at the grocery store and spent the whole day at home with my son. But alas, I feel obligated (bullied?) into going to see people.

Cheers.

Fighting Over Dumb Stuff

I'm feeling uninspired today. In fact, I'm half asleep and feeling rather blah, so I'm going to use a prompt from a few days ago. I don't usually even look at the prompts, but here goes...

What's the dumbest thing you and a partner have ever fought about?

The first thing that came to mind was a fight my former fiance and I had over light switches. Yes, light switches. The kind where two switches control the same light, say one at the top of the stairs and one at the bottom. For the life of me I can't remember why we were arguing about such a thing or what the difference of opinion was exactly, but man, there was definitely a disagreement. It involved the direction of the switches (up/down, up/up, down/down) and our inability to understand what the other person was saying.

While that was a real fight, we had other equally mind-boggling disagreements that managed to not devolve into screaming matches. Like the time I found a carton of melted ice cream on top of the fridge and he swore he didn't put it there. I replied, "So someone broke into our house and didn't take anything. They just left a carton of ice cream on top of the fridge?" To which he replied, "I guess so because I didn't put it there." OK then.

Pretty dumb stuff.

Snowy Day Details

We woke to our first snowstorm of the season this morning. The roads were treacherous, but we made our way carefully and slowly to daycare and work. Very few people were at the office between the snow and the holiday week. In the time I was there only one person came in (to use the office kitchen, not for my assistance). The phone didn't ring and I got only a handful of emails.

Then daycare decided to close 3 hours early, so I headed back out into the snow. Thankfully the roads were in much better shape than they had been in the morning.

Little man was just waking up from his nap, the last one  to wake in his room. The other kids were all sitting at the table waiting for snack presumably. We took the snack (goldfish) to go and headed home. After snack we bundled up (good grief, what a hassle that is) and headed out to play in the snow.

One of our neighbors was snowblowing his driveway, which was super fascinating to my son. He planted his feet and would not budge. The nice man waved and smiled on each lap. I eventually had to pick him up and carry him away or we might still be standing out there in the same spot.

Back inside we went about our normal routine of running in circles and watching Elmo.

Sunday Vibes

Snow. Messy wet snow.

Saturday Vibes

Pediatrician's office. Ear infection. Grocery store pharmacy on the Saturday before Thanksgiving. Ugh.