Sharing Chores

Miriel at seeking Solomon wrote an interesting post on how she and her husband divvy up the housework and chores. While our system is understandably quite different than theirs it seems to work for us. It should be noted that neither of us are super neat or tidy people. We are also older with more established routines, which had an impact on our melding of households.

Chores that I always do:

• lawn mowing (We like to joke that I have to do this because otherwise my husband would cut down all of the MANY trees in the yard. I will concede that it is a pain in the butt to mow around them all, but it's worth it to me to have them.)
• yard work like picking up downed branches and dealing with leaves in the fall
• vacuuming
• dusting
• mopping (although this occurs so rarely I'm not sure I should get "credit" for it)
• dish washing 
• loading & unloading the dishwasher (He would be happy to help load, but I'm particular about this and prefer to have complete control. However, I hate unloading and would be happy if he wanted to help with that.)

Chores that he always does:

• cooking (Yes, he cooks each & every meal that we eat at home. He enjoys cooking and used to work in an Italian restaurant. I have NO interest in cooking. None.)
• cleaning the shower (I can NOT interact with bleach products in any kind of prolonged way, so that task falls to him.)
• shoveling snow 

Chores that we both do:

• We each do our own laundry, which we keep in separate baskets and do on different days. 
• I usually prep the garbage and recyclables, and he usually takes them down to the curb.
• When it comes to cleaning the rest of the bathrooms, it varies. Whoever decides it needs to be done, does it. We do not keep a cleaning schedule.
• We grocery shop together, typically on Sundays.

I'm sure I'm forgetting certain items, but this presents a pretty full picture. He works many more hours per week than I do between his regular full-time job and jobs he does on the side (usually after work every day and all day on Saturdays). So I am home more than him and try to contribute by taking care of things that need to be done at home. That said, he does not expect me to do these things and if I feel like skipping something I do. We are very relaxed about keeping house and we both feel like there are much more important things in life. I think we do a pretty good job of being easy-going about the chores and have found a balance that works for us.

Every relationship is different and each person contributes in their own way. Do you struggle to find balance or has it come easily for you and your partner, as it has for us?

Forced Socializing

I am no longer the social butterfly I once was. I did a lot of partying in college and during my Florida years.  I loved going out to bars and house parties. These days... not so much.

I prefer to stay home or to go out to dinner with just my husband. I have no use for bars (they are usually too loud and almost always uncomfortable, whether I stand or perch on a bar stool). I hate being forced to make small talk.

Unfortunately for me, my husband is the most social person on the planet. He thrives in situations where he is surrounded by people, especially if they are all paying attention to him. I think he was a rock star in another life. He loves getting together with groups of friends. The more, the merrier.

This coming weekend will be a trial for me (no, optimism is NOT my forte). We are going to a one bedroom "camp" on a big lake to the north with two other couples. I would much rather stay home and read my books and go for my walks. Instead I will spend the weekend riddled with anxiety, wishing I was anywhere else but there.

Married Life

"How's married life?"

I am constantly being asked this question and I always stumble over the answer. Married life is, in fact, absolutely the same as non-married life was for us. We already lived together (for almost 3 years), so there were no new surprises lurking in dark corners. Day-to-day life has not changed one iota. Which is fine, or else we would not have gotten married (duh!).

Some things have changed though, like my last name. It was a decision I put A LOT of thought into. As is tradition in my family, I did a lot of waffling. I leaned one way, I leaned the other. I asked my now-husband for his opinion: "I don't care, do whatever you want." And so I did. I decided to change my last name for a variety of reasons, all of which are personal and NONE of anyone else's business.

However, apparently lots of folks don't appreciate these boundaries, which in my opinion, should be obvious. Everyone is welcome to their own opinion of course, but I don't need to hear it. The most distressing incident was when my boss yelled at me for having changed my last name. And just so we're clear, I'm NOT exaggerating. She raised her voice and essentially told me I was wrong (and stupid, being the underlying message). The little respect I had for her vanished in that instant.

A complicating factor is that my husband (he needs a nickname, doesn't he?) has a sister with the same first name as me, which was weird enough when we were dating. But now, people are constantly harping on how strange it must be for her to have someone else take her name (never mind the fact that she's been married with her husband's last name for close to 15 years). And they go on and on right in front of me, without any concern for how this makes ME feel. Clearly, I'm still working on developing that thick skin.

Maybe one day I will be able to not let little stuff bother me. And maybe one day I'll finish changing my name with every entity on the planet (Passport Services, I'm looking at you).

In the meantime, I'll just keep marveling at the fact I now have a HUSBAND and am MARRIED. After 36 years of being single, these things take time to get used to.