My birthday was on Monday and I'm still thinking about it.
One of the things rolling around in my head is the fact that out of the roughly 75 people that wished me happy birthday on Facebook or via text, only 5 of them were from college. And of those 5, none were my roommates or closest friends. I won't lie: this hurts. I know that birthday greetings on Facebook aren't always the most sincere or accurate gauges of friendship, but it still feels like a kick in the teeth. Yes, I've not done the best at keeping in touch and maintaining relationships. And yes, I wasn't the best version of me during college. I lacked self-confidence, using bitchiness and sarcasm as defense mechanisms. But I thought I was a loyal friend. I don't like feeling insignificant (who does?).
I am aware of my tendency to over-analyze everything. It's part of who I am and I would have no idea how to not do it.
Every year I find myself wallowing by the end of the day of my birth. I try really hard not to get too excited, not to build unrealistic expectations, but every year I feel disappointed. I guess I will never out-grow the desire to feel special for this one day. To feel it is MY day. I don't want big parties (and never, ever do I want surprise parties) but just a little fuss would be nice. This year I didn't even get a meal out at a restaurant of my choosing.
I really wanted to take the day by the horns and ensure my OWN happiness this year. But I'm not good at standing up and potentially inconveniencing other people. I'm very familiar with the path of least resistance. I also just wasn't sure how to go about it. I thought about baking myself a cake, but then I forgot to buy supplies when we grocery shopped. And I don't have the money to buy myself a birthday present, a little something only I know I want.
So now I have a year to try to think of ways to make MY day special to ME all by MYSELF. Since clearly, I can't figure out how to let go of my childish desire to be special, if only for one day...
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This is my 7th installment of Just Write, "an exercise in free writing your ordinary and extraordinary moments." You can link up with the latest Just Write post by Heather at The Extraordinary Ordinary here. You can read my first six installments by clicking on the Just Write tag.
7 comments:
Happy Birthday! Belated though it is, I completely understand your sentiment. My birthday is in the next few days and I planned an overnight trip to an estate with a winery- a little something just for me by me.
Ooh! What a lovely idea. Have a fabulous time and happy birthday to YOU!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I wish I could ahve been there to try to make you day special. I blame it on Grandma, she really went out of her way to make birthdays special and no one can ever keep up with the bar she set so high (talk about mixed metaphors).
I used to always take my birthday off and do something special. A lot of times, I went solo camping because then I wouldn't worry or obsess about people forgetting me.
I like what grandma used to do on her birthday--she gave little presents to everyone else. I wish I were more like her in some respects.
You are special to me, though!!!!
Do take the bull by the horns and start NOW to plan something special to make up for this year and something special for next year!!!
Last year, NOTHING happened on my birthday (at home, I mean) and we were going to "make it up later," but we never did.
I have the same problem with my birthday and Christmas.
Also, about facebook--I just don;t hang out there, and the messages about people's birthdays no longer go into my primary tab--I should try to fix that--so I miss them all.
Happy belated birthday! Birthdays are hard, because if people know that, for example, you don't like surprise birthday parties, I would think it's easy to take that as you don't like to fuss over your birthday.
When I turned 30, I threw myself a party. I threw the kind of party I wanted, made the invitation open ended (so people could come and go and also felt no pressure to come at all) and set one expectation for myself: have a celebratory birthday drink.
So, I say throw yourself an impromptu birthday party this weekend. Send casual invites to friends. Make it easy for them to stop by before/after other plans. And you just might have a wonderful time!
Thank you for the birthday greetings, Mary & Nilsa! :-)
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