My birthday was on Monday and I'm still thinking about it.
One of the things rolling around in my head is the fact that out of the roughly 75 people that wished me happy birthday on Facebook or via text, only 5 of them were from college. And of those 5, none were my roommates or closest friends. I won't lie: this hurts. I know that birthday greetings on Facebook aren't always the most sincere or accurate gauges of friendship, but it still feels like a kick in the teeth. Yes, I've not done the best at keeping in touch and maintaining relationships. And yes, I wasn't the best version of me during college. I lacked self-confidence, using bitchiness and sarcasm as defense mechanisms. But I thought I was a loyal friend. I don't like feeling insignificant (who does?).
I am aware of my tendency to over-analyze everything. It's part of who I am and I would have no idea how to not do it.
Every year I find myself wallowing by the end of the day of my birth. I try really hard not to get too excited, not to build unrealistic expectations, but every year I feel disappointed. I guess I will never out-grow the desire to feel special for this one day. To feel it is MY day. I don't want big parties (and never, ever do I want surprise parties) but just a little fuss would be nice. This year I didn't even get a meal out at a restaurant of my choosing.
I really wanted to take the day by the horns and ensure my OWN happiness this year. But I'm not good at standing up and potentially inconveniencing other people. I'm very familiar with the path of least resistance. I also just wasn't sure how to go about it. I thought about baking myself a cake, but then I forgot to buy supplies when we grocery shopped. And I don't have the money to buy myself a birthday present, a little something only I know I want.
So now I have a year to try to think of ways to make MY day special to ME all by MYSELF. Since clearly, I can't figure out how to let go of my childish desire to be special, if only for one day...
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This is my 7th installment of Just Write, "an exercise in free writing your ordinary and extraordinary moments." You can link up with the latest Just Write post by Heather at The Extraordinary Ordinary here. You can read my first six installments by clicking on the Just Write tag.