Friday, August 25, 2006

In Which I Lie to Myself

I made an interesting discovery when I went back to read an old journal last night. My motive had been to see if I could find any excerpts of interest to post on here. Alas, I came up short in that regard. The first journal I grabbed was one that I kept sporadically during my junior and senior years of high school. You know the kind, the padded, cloth-covered variety that put all kinds of pressure on you to think of something deep and meaningful to write about.

Needless to say, I didn't find anything deep and meaningful. What I did find though was evidence that I wrote in the journal in a way that I clearly felt like I should be feeling, not how I actually was. Case in point being when my best friend started dating a boy I liked, the only reference I made to being upset about it was "Sigh, I kind of liked Brian, but oh well." I then proceeded in every subsequent entry to fawn all over how cute they were together and how happy I was for them. Bullshit! I was pissed and jealous. Why couldn't I write that in my journal?

I've never been too concerned with the idea of people reading my journals, so I doubt that was the reason. God-knows, my dad would've if he'd had the opportunity (and probably did on many occasions), but once I was out of his house I always trusted my roommates and boyfriends to not cross the bounds I set up with regard to my journals. It seems to have worked out for me so far because I have long since gotten over any need to sugar-coat my entries. I have to imagine there would've been ramifications if things had been read that were not meant to be read.

Whatever the reason was that I couldn't admit my feelings back then, even to myself, I now feel compelled to point out that my "best" friend may have gotten him as a boyfriend for a few measly months, but I've had him as a dear friend ever since. *raspberry*


BerryBird said...

OK, this suggestion won't help with the lying (pants on fire!) since obviously if you lie to yourself, you're going to sugarcoat things for the rest of us, too, but here comes the idea train: go into your old email accounts and go into the sent folder. I'm sure there are instances where you sent an email to friends or family describing your day or telling a funny story or such. This will provide you with a supplement to your private journals.

I actually created a Word document "journal" comprised primarily from old emails.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

The whole lying and truth thing is many-layered. How you view it grows and granges with experience and persepctive.

The wish to want the best for them in spite of your own pain is admirable in its own way.

Funny about the 20-20 hindsight. But even later it may turn out you will have a richer and more forgiving view of your younger self.