I know some of you are wondering what happened with my relationship. I'm sure there are a lot of different ways to answer that question. I can tell you what didn't happen. There was no cheating, no abuse, and no lying. But on my side there was something missing. Something I am not even sure really exists. I'm afraid that I am judging my real life on what I read in books or see on TV.
I think of what Carrie said in Sex & the City, "I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love." Is it unrealistic of me to think that I can have that kind of love? Or should I be content to have someone I am comfortable with? Is it too much to hope that there is someone out there that I would want to be around every day? Or should I just be content with finding someone who doesn't piss me off all the time?
What's real and what's just fantasy? Am I expecting too much?
2 comments:
Nadine- I'm so sorry that this has been a rough time for you. Shortly after I came to grad school, I dumped the fellow I thought I was going to marry- it had been three and a half years. (He was also immediately a jerk. Isn't it nice when exes immediately reinforce why you don't want to date them any more?) I hope you're able to trust your decision and that the hurt will start fading away.
As for consuming love... I know I've been selected for and am a horrid smug married person. But. I thought it was all a myth, and I dated a lot of guys who were okay but not great. And then I met Mr. S and it felt like falling off a cliff after about, oh, a week. We didn't see each other for three weeks that first December and it was nearly unbearable. If he's gone for a day now, I miss him. I couldn't live without him. There were a lot of hard, 'inconvenient' things to work through, but it was so important for us to make it work that we found a way. We were married a year after our first date- and marriage was SO not in my plan for that year.
So I can say (N=1) it does exist. I don't think that's the only way to love one's partner, but at least for me, it made it a LOT easier: This is the one! No question about it!
Surely if you want that kind of love, then someone you don't have it with will never be the partner you need. Or maybe something was missing in your relationship and your subconscious (or whatever) was sending a message.
Jenny F, thank you for this comment. It has given me a lot to think about.
I wish I could trust my decision. That would make this easier, probably for both of us.
Maybe I will regret the decision I've made, but I have to hope that there is something more out there.
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